I have always wondered what a love-hate relationship I share with you.. at times more hate than love.. and whatever struggling love there is.. it is mostly suppressed by regular worldly chaos.
You know me .. so you know how bad I am at showing my weak, emotional, dependent self ..it either never comes out.. or comes in an ugly shape.. especially to you. I can never be the type who calls and says.. “Ma.. I love u”, I rather call.. scream at you.. “why can’t u pick up the call in first 3 rings”.. Ma, does that hurt you ?
When you try to confide your fears in me.. I revert back.. “oh ma.. no negativity please”.. does that make u sad ?
I can’t see you so fragile.. is it wrong to expect mothers to grow up?
So often when you cry and try to hide in me.. I’ve never encouraged that.. I want you to be strong enough so that I can hide in you when I want to cry.. does that not mean I need you?
you still expect me to write a poem or make greeting cards for you.. I can’t Ma..Those mushy lines are too shallow for me now, does my being crude bother you ?
Yeah I do like kids who hug their moms and say “u define me”.. but I use you as my punching bag.. I vomit all my frustrations and expect you to be my silent absorbent.. I know I am wrong.. but doesn’t it tell you how much I need you?
I will never get any answers.. me being myself will never allow me to pose these questions to you.
Still..can’t I expect you to know without telling that I love you?